TW: suicidal ideation.
I recently lost my job, partly due to ill health, but also because I discovered it wasn’t the path I wanted to be on. Sounds reasonable, right? Maybe I got the wrong timing, leaving a stable job in the middle of a worldwide pandemic and economic crisis doesn’t sound very smart. Was it really a choice if my mental health is an absolute nightmare? I guess we like to ignore that part. People have said I was progressing so well and would have probably made it to the top, achieving great ‘success’. I am curious what success they are referring to. Today I was told I need to start looking for work. It’s not even just one person saying this, but many, including mental health professionals.
This society is not for me. This world is not for me. Why is my value based on whether I am employed or not? Am I not worthy as the person I am? It doesn’t matter that day and night I am struggling with suicidal thoughts and trying not to hurt myself. No, of course not, what really matters is that I find a job. It doesn’t matter if I die in the process, since I can also work from the grave. Apparently WFG is the new trend.
I don’t deserve this, that much I know. I need a break. I need help.
I read an article by Renea Di Bella published on TWLOHA’s blog, I resonated with many of her words. This is exactly how I feel.
“Why would anyone assume anything was wrong when I was doing so well? On the outside I was perfect. I was doing “it.” I was achieving my goals, supporting my family, and gaining approval from the people I sought to be respected by.”
“It’s hard to let go of excellence. It’s hard to accept that living a healthier life means giving up what once made me “great.””
Do read Renea’s blog titled Redefining Success in Order to Stay Alive HERE.