TW: suicide, self-harm.
We hope and believe that things won’t always be this way. It will get better and you will find your place in the world. You matter and the world needs you. You make this world a better place simply by being in it. I know these words have provided light and comfort to many people because they hold a lot of meaning. These words are made of powerful truths that have saved thousands of lives. That will, and should, continue.
Here’s a thought: what if there are some people for whom these words never ring true? What if I am not meant for this world?
Your immediate reaction may be to say of course that is not true, and that’s valid. I would say the same. However, the more I think about this concept, I just can’t relate. I don’t know whether I make a difference in this world, but I know that I deserve happiness. We all do. Can it be that my version of happiness is death?
Okay, I know what you’re likely to say, please keep reading to maybe understand why I think this way. I’ve had a difficult childhood, and coming from a highly dysfunctional family the environment was very hostile. Suicidal ideation has lived in my mind since I was 10. Over the years these thoughts only grew stronger after I had experiences of bullying, family pressures, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, and a lack of support. A lot of my experiences have been traumatic, and I fully recognise that healing will never be easy. In fact, it is probably a lifelong process. These experiences have definitely contributed to and exacerbated my suicidal thoughts, but are not the reason why every day I think about ending my life. I am chronically suicidal because of loneliness.
Humans are wired for connection, and feeling connected to others is important for our health. The lack of connection is harmful, and an absence of it is even more dangerous because loneliness kills. The feeling of loneliness is incredibly painful. I know I am not alone in this experience as there is possibly a loneliness epidemic. The intensity of my emotions cannot be expressed in words but it hurts, so much.
A while back I came across a comment on YouTube that said, “I have the issue that I want to be emotionally intimate with everyone in my life and they freak out”. Yes, being emotionally intimate is what was my problem. I have been craving close relationships for most of my life, but it wasn’t until I received a diagnosis of EUPD (emotionally unstable personality disorder or borderline personality disorder) last December that I begun to understand this.
It may not sound like much of an issue but in truth it is. Last month my care coordinator left and during our last meeting before we said goodbye, she gave me a hug. I will never forget how cared for I felt in that moment. I truly felt like I was going to have an emotional breakdown because of the lump in my throat. When I got home the emotions hit hard and I cried; the last time someone had given me such a heartfelt hug was a year ago by another health professional. To be honest it was then that I realised how lonely I really was. Why could I not have these relationships outside of professional boundaries?
Loneliness often comes hand in hand with feelings of not being enough, and definitely I have felt this too. I have questioned my worth and whether I am a bad person. If we go by rational thinking, I know I am not a bad person. However, I think emotionally not rationally so I end up believing that I don’t deserve to be loved. It often leads to feelings of such aching hurt, the only way I can distract myself is by inflicting physical pain.
I have friends though so how can I be lonely? This is possibly the worst part when you feel alone despite having people around you (kind of). Some people say internet friends aren’t real friends but that is far from the truth, because they are the ones who have kept me going. The only three people that I regularly talk to, and who actually check in on me are you guessed it my internet friends. They help me in every possible way and I wouldn’t be here without them, but sadly what we can’t have is a physical connection. The lack of physical emotional intimacy is slowly killing me.
I’ve had IRL (in real life) friends too but truthfully speaking they make me feel worse. Over the past few months I have been going through my conversations with these friends to realise that most of them are initiated by me, and that is sad. Once in a while I vent post on my social media which may prompt someone to reach out, but otherwise I’m always the one to communicate first. I feel like I am begging and being desperate (which I sort of am?) but this isn’t what friendship should look like, at least not to me. Unfortunately they are harming not helping my mental health.
Why do people describe me as being worthy, kind, friendly, helpful, etc. yet not a single person ever wants to be close friends? Why do people say they care but not support you when you need them? Why do I have so many people (IRL) who have told me they will always be there for me, yet when I’m having a breakdown at 3AM thinking about killing myself there’s not a single person who I feel comfortable enough to reach out to? Do you know how much it hurts when professionals ask me about friends who may be able to assist me in an appointment? Friends who I can go out with? Do you realise how painfully lonely it feels to have “friends” but not have friends? Apparently I am a good person, but obviously and clearly I am not good enough for people to want to engage with me any more than a simple text message that I have to initiate.
Back to the thought: what if I am not meant for this world? Loneliness kills. I am lonely. Suicidal ideation is my only friend. Please let me go. I am seemingly living and taking steps to improve my life, at the very same time I also continue making suicide plans. I am here out of helplessness, because I know there will come a time I will do it not talk about it. I don’t know whether it will be weeks, months, or years, but I am certain that one day suicide will take me. I may never experience emotional intimacy and it’s heartbreaking that death by loneliness seems more likely than anything else, for I am Perfectly Alone.