Despite the fact that I had swimming lessons in school I could never get the hang of it so it’s 101% true, I can’t swim! This post isn’t about my swimming skills though, well, not literally. I wanted to write a bit about the back story to the name of this blog and how it came about.
A few months ago I began writing about mental health on Instagram, I felt good about the content I was putting out. I did a lot of reading and research during which I discovered so much about myself, I will never regret that. However, I also wanted my friends to at least read and try to understand why I sometimes think and behave the way I do. The responses I’d receive in conversations with my friends made it evident they were not listening. Feelings of bitterness and disappointment dominated my mind. How could I develop closer and more genuine friendships when my voice wasn’t being heard?
In my opinion friends should consider educating themselves on at least the basics of any diagnoses (mental or physical) they are aware a friend has; it’s a simple consideration and a form of respect. Having said that I recognise it’s not easy and we all have things going on in our lives, especially in the current times. What if that information is easily accessible? For the people in my life I made sure it was.
Writing has become a powerful tool in helping me understand myself and allowing me to share my story. I want to continue. So here I am: emotionsdrowning.
I can’t swim. Throw me into water and I’ll drown. I will suffocate. Unable to breathe. This is how my emotions feel too. BPD (borderline personality disorder) is said to be one of the most painful disorders; the psychological pain is extreme. “Studies have shown that borderline patients experience chronic and significant emotional suffering and mental agony.” I am drowning in my emotions. We need water to survive but I could not face an ocean (definitely not on my own); emotions are a part of what makes us human but I cannot face intense emotional suffering and distress (definitely not on my own). “Borderline patients may feel overwhelmed by negative emotions, experiencing intense grief instead of sadness, shame and humiliation instead of mild embarrassment, rage instead of annoyance, and panic instead of nervousness.”
I am hurting, drowning. Fighting a battle to breathe. emotionsdrowning represents the war of my feelings, the daily struggle of keeping myself alive. If you are drowning and you can’t swim, you need help to survive. I need help too.