Writing Right ✍🏽

Writing Right ✍🏽

There is so much going on in my mind, I could write about several different topics but I’m having a tough time. As loud as it is inside my head, on the outside it is absolute silence. I can’t find the words. Every time I feel I have my thoughts a little bit sorted I have tried to write, but the moment I take out my notepad (or open the notes app) everything is blank. In a flash every thought has disappeared and I find myself with nothing but emptiness. I am lost.

I suppose it comes down to an overwhelming level of stress. Having zero support while being mentally ill and feeling powerless is painfully hard. Every day is a challenge, a fight to keep going. Most days it takes an hour or two to get myself out of bed, because I’ll have a headache so strong it almost feels like my head is a heavyweight and I don’t have the strength to push it off. The weight fades away throughout the day, but sometimes only the intensity lessens and I’m left feeling sluggish. I don’t want to be constantly tired, it’s horrible.

Despite having the desire to write, my mind is clouded by exhaustion. The fatigue interferes with my concentration and my ability to focus is blocked. It all just feels hazy. Now and then I try to rest, yet no amount of rest makes any difference. The tiredness never goes away. Just about every day also includes at least 4-5 hours of dissociating; where I lose myself in ‘another world’. Physically I don’t always move but mentally I’m somewhere else. The strange part is I rarely remember anything about this experience, I only know that it happened.

However, stress isn’t the only thing preventing my writing, anxiety has a role too and it goes back to my childhood. I have always found it very taxing trying to be social and talking to people. It’s a huge mountain I needed to climb and it never gets easier; I feel the same rush of fear, embarrassment, and self-consciousness at every situation.

You see, the problem is I don’t know how to talk. Well, not literally. It takes a great amount of energy to process my thoughts into words, and I can never find the right words. I also can’t tell what is or isn’t appropriate; I never know how to respond. I’m actually having trouble trying to come up with examples (maybe in another post) but the point is I’m bad at judging context. This makes having conversations immensely difficult. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I hurt them? What if I’m being unintentionally ignorant?

I feel like my writing is generally seen as well articulated, but I don’t really communicate this way. Yet my writing is mine and it comes down to time. For reference, I spent over 3 hours on this post. I once wrote an email to my support worker detailing some of my concerns, that took about 6 hours. I remember during exams I’d notice others were already on their fourth page or asking for more paper, while I had just finished my second page. I required more time to process my thoughts so I couldn’t write as fast; it held me back.

Truth is, I am far from eloquent.

Sahil ⚡

Growth or Destruction 🥀

Growth or Destruction 🥀

TW: suicidal ideation. CW: COVID.

How much longer do I keep going? My hopes are repeatedly crushed, there is little remaining. I try to make positive changes but there is only so much I can do and now each passing day I feel myself gasping for breath. I’ve lost all my energy. Nothing is helping, have I reached a dead end? The situation with COVID in the UK makes everything worse and I am honestly really, really struggling. I can’t do this. I surrender.

October 2019 changed a lot of things in my life, majorly. Those following weeks were incredibly hard; I didn’t want to exist. Yet I made it to 2020. Hope returned in odd little ways and for a moment I wanted to believe I could finally break out from this cage. Maybe it was possible to change the direction of my life to a place where it wasn’t always raining. There were a few things which I had just begun to build motivation for before the pandemic cancelled everything. Back down the drain. As horrible as it sounds I wished to get sick and die, at least it wouldn’t be labeled a suicide.

Throughout the next few months I actually ended up doing a lot of reading and watching nothing but TED Talks. It was out of genuine interest. I appreciated every bit of it and I gained so much knowledge. An interesting way to cope with the terrors of my mind but it helped. 2020 taught me some harsh lessons about the people in my life. I feel that pain every day. However, I also found acceptance. Being supported and validated during this experience of self acceptance was incredibly important, I am truly so grateful I had that support.

My little moment of comfort didn’t last long. My birthday was coming up and all I could think about was ending my life; I have a weird fantasy about turning my birthday into my death day. Maybe it’s a good thing I had support in place. Since then everything has been going downhill, mind you this is a very steep downward slope. Even then I persevered. Reaching out for help, attempting to talk to “friends”, and trying to think about the future but everything I tried turned out worse. This hell is inescapable.

A safe space. A comfortable space. At this point in time it’s all I need because how else can I move forward if I am not comfortable. How can I work on healing in the same place that has caused so much pain, around people who make me feel burdensome. People who cannot support me. People who refuse to communicate. I can’t, and if I find myself confined by these same four walls in a few months time this is where I give up.

Sahil ⚡