TW: suicidal ideation, COVID.
How much longer do I keep going? My hopes are repeatedly crushed, there is little remaining. I try to make positive changes but there is only so much I can do and now each passing day I feel myself gasping for breath. I’ve lost all my energy. Nothing is helping, have I reached a dead end? The situation with COVID in the UK makes everything worse and I am honestly really, really struggling. I can’t do this. I surrender.
October 2019 changed a lot of things in my life, majorly. Those following weeks were incredibly hard; I didn’t want to exist. Yet I made it to 2020. Hope returned in odd little ways and for a moment I wanted to believe I could finally break out from this cage. Maybe it was possible to change the direction of my life to a place where it wasn’t always raining. There were a few things which I had just begun to build motivation for before the pandemic cancelled everything. Back down the drain. As horrible as it sounds I wished to get sick and die, at least it wouldn’t be labeled a suicide.
Throughout the next few months I actually ended up doing a lot of reading and watching nothing but TED Talks. It was out of genuine interest. I appreciated every bit of it and I gained so much knowledge. An interesting way to cope with the terrors of my mind but it helped. 2020 taught me some harsh lessons about the people in my life. I feel that pain every day. However, I also found acceptance. Being supported and validated during this experience of self acceptance was incredibly important, I am truly so grateful I had that support.
My little moment of comfort didn’t last long. My birthday was coming up and all I could think about was ending my life; I have a weird fantasy about turning my birthday into my death day. Maybe it’s a good thing I had support in place. Since then everything has been going downhill, mind you this is a very steep downward slope. Even then I persevered. Reaching out for help, attempting to talk to “friends”, and trying to think about the future but everything I tried turned out worse. This hell is inescapable.
A safe space. A comfortable space. At this point in time it’s all I need because how else can I move forward if I am not comfortable. How can I work on healing in the same place that has caused so much pain, around people who make me feel burdensome. People who cannot support me. People who refuse to communicate. I can’t, and if I find myself confined by these same four walls in a few months time this is where I give up.