Bucket List ⏳

TW: suicidal ideation.

This post is exactly what you think it is no introduction needed. I should be working on that post about how help doesn’t exist but every time I even think about it, I am filled with rage. However, it’s one of the more important things and I definitely need to (and want to) write about it. I have no support right now so the topic of help brings up a lot of difficult emotions which develop into mental breakdowns. There is so much that needs to be said, I just need to figure out how it can be done in a healthy way.

Following on from a post I wrote last month, I have lost all hope. This doesn’t mean I have given up altogether, no, but it does mean I genuinely do not believe things will get better. By all means I will continue to try and access ‘help’ in any way I can except that it won’t last forever. I have been suffering for a long time and I am worn out. Tired of hollow words and performative concern. If something changes in a positive way maybe a piece of hope will return but if not I will say I’ve tried enough.

Time doesn’t stop so whatever is left I want to make the most of my moments. It’s a shame there are so many things we can’t do at present (go away Covid) but many restrictions are expected to be lifted from June/July. We will have to wait and see. Either way I put together a little list of things I have wanted to do/experience and it would be super cool if I could cross the line on some of these by the end of 2021.

Here is my little list in no particular order:

Meet an online friend (this one is planned if lockdown is lifted I’m looking forward but also nervous!)

Video/audio call an online friend (this is doable if I have the courage to ask)

Go to a concert (most likely can’t happen)

Get professional photos (I need to have at least one decent photo of myself right)

Go to the gym (this one is hard but not impossible I guess)

Buy something for a stranger (no idea how this would work but it’d be nice!) ☑

Make a YouTube video (stupid I know, I’ve wanted to do one though LOL)

Drive a luxury car (maybe a Maserati or a Bentley, I’d settle for a Tesla)

Go to a cat café (Java Whiskers in Marylebone someone take me please!)

Play some badminton (kind of liked it in school I want to play again)

Go to an arcade (games are just my thing so it would be cool!)

Deep and heart-to-heart conversations (an invaluable experience, always open to chat)

Commission a portrait of my cat (because she’s the cutest little baby so why not?)

Buy my cat as many things as possible (she deserves the world okay!)

Buy my mum a telescope (it’s expensive but she loves the moon it’d be the best gift)

Start medical transition (because I want to experience that gender euphoria please!) ☑

Visit the Cat Cuddling Café in Greece (sadly impractical, maybe in my dreams)

Well, that’s really not much. Rather uncomplicated. I am a simple guy.

Sahil ⚡

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