TW: suicidal ideation.
This post is exactly what you think it is no introduction needed. I should be working on that post about how help doesn’t exist but every time I even think about it, I am filled with rage. However, it’s one of the more important things and I definitely need to (and want to) write about it. I have no support right now so the topic of help brings up a lot of difficult emotions which develop into mental breakdowns. There is so much that needs to be said, I just need to figure out how it can be done in a healthy way.
Following on from a post I wrote last month, I have lost all hope. This doesn’t mean I have given up altogether, no, but it does mean I genuinely do not believe things will get better. By all means I will continue to try and access ‘help’ in any way I can except that it won’t last forever. I have been suffering for a long time and I am worn out. Tired of hollow words and performative concern. If something changes in a positive way maybe a piece of hope will return but if not I will say I’ve tried enough. December.
Time doesn’t stop so whatever is left I want to make the most of my moments. It’s a shame there are so many things we can’t do at present (go away Covid) but many restrictions are expected to be lifted from June/July. We will have to wait and see. Either way I put together a little list of things I have wanted to do/experience and it would be super cool if I could cross the line on some of these by the end of 2021.
Here is my little list in no particular order:
○ Meet an online friend (this one is planned if lockdown is lifted I’m looking forward but also nervous!)
○ Video/audio call an online friend (this is doable if I have the courage to ask)
○ Go to a concert (most likely can’t happen)
○ Get professional photos (I need to have at least one decent photo of myself right)
○ Go to the gym (this one is hard but not impossible I guess)
○ Buy something for a stranger (no idea how this would work but it’d be nice!)
○ Make a YouTube video (stupid I know, I’ve wanted to do one though LOL)
○ Drive a luxury car (maybe a Maserati or a Bentley, I’d settle for a Tesla)
○ Go to a cat café (Java Whiskers in Marylebone someone take me please!)
○ Play some badminton (kind of liked it in school I want to play again)
○ Go to an arcade (games are just my thing so it would be cool!)
○ Deep and heart-to-heart conversations (an invaluable experience, always open to chat)
○ Commission a portrait of my cat (because she’s the cutest little baby so why not?)
○ Buy my cat as many things as possible (she deserves the world okay!)
○ Buy my mum a telescope (it’s expensive but she loves the moon it’d be the best gift)
○ Start medical transition (because I want to experience that gender euphoria please!)
○ Visit the Cat Cuddling Café in Greece (sadly impractical, maybe in my dreams)
Well, that’s really not much. Rather uncomplicated. I am a simple guy.