Death-Day Fantasy ☄

TW: suicidal ideation.

How did I make it here?! Seriously. I never expected to live past 20 but years are going by and I am still here. I really don’t want to be though. Life sucks. Take me to my grave already please. That’s all I fucking want.

I don’t know what it’s like to not have suicidal thoughts because I think about suicide every single day. Even on days where I’ve had moments of joy thoughts of suicide continue to haunt me. Not a day of relief from these demons. My brain hurts.

It’s weird because I have made a lot of progress in understanding myself and my thoughts/behaviours. I’ve made positive changes to my life and have continued working on this. Despite that I am still in so much pain. I still want to die. This is too much to deal with. I have noticed myself slipping into masking my suffering; pretending I’m doing okay. What the fuck am I meant to answer to ‘how are you’? I had a call with my GP today and I said was okay. Yeah but I am NOT okay.

This week has been hard. I’ve been feeling so depressed and lonely. Today is my birthday but I wish it wasn’t. I have this crazy fantasy of turning this into my death day. Damn that would be cool. 2-in-1. I’d get the sweet relief of death and maybe people would actually remember me?! That’s how it works right — finally ‘friends’ will come out of the woodwork. Yeah actually don’t do that.

Is this coming off harshly? Maybe. Probably. I am hurt, angry, and lower than rock bottom. I don’t have a fear of abandonment; I am abandoned. This world is full of fake people. If you can’t be a friend at least don’t pretend to be; just say we’re incompatible and live your life. Feigning friendship gives me hope but when you say you’re there for me and don’t show up, it kills. So let’s be honest with each other yeah? How sad that no one ever reaches out yet apparently I have ‘friends’. Am I doing this shit wrong? I check-in with people, try to remember important dates/things going on in their lives (notes app to the rescue!), and mean it when I say I’ll be there for them. It doesn’t work.

I am done. I can’t do this shit no more. Maybe I am a horrible person. Or you know maintaining a relationship with a mentally ill person is hard. Yeah I’ll give you that. My issue is we can talk about it and I will be respectful of your boundaries whatever they are. Communication is important in every relationship so why not friendship? I have been as direct as can be with my ‘friends’ but how naïve because they aren’t even listening. Ah impostors at every turn!

A vent, rant, whatever you want to call it. That’s what this post is. I posted a bucket list which is failing. And nothing seems to be working out. It appears I’m extra miserable because this is my first birthday since my official name change and I have no one around me. I don’t know how to play mind games. All of my ‘friends’ were respectful and accepting (which I’m so grateful for) but either stopped talking to me/talk less. What does this mean?! How hard is it to communicate?!

Alas today is not my death day. I can’t fucking wait for it though! Please hurry because I am so ready.

Sahil ⚡

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