TW: suicidal ideation.
It’s another one of those life update posts. Unfortunately I haven’t been well enough to be able to focus or have any energy to write even though I’ve got a few ideas. I guess those ideas will come to fruition when (and if) the time is right. Chronic fatigue has become a major stumbling block. I get tired very easily. Whenever I manage to do something the exhaustion that follows is overpowering. I want to do things, to write, watch shows, go out on drives, just something but I can’t. My health doesn’t agree.
The depression is deteriorating and suicidal thoughts becoming harder to fight. I feel worthless not being able to do much beyond getting through each day alive. There are times I am so tired that I’m incapable of even using my phone. It’s miserable to see myself in this condition.
However I try to hold on to the tiniest bits of hope I can find. Right now that includes my psychiatrist appointment next month where I hope to discuss changes to my medication. There’s a part of me that strongly feels the fatigue has been brought on by a certain medication as well as insomnia. Coming off this medication may lead to some positive changes. It’s just a matter of having my psychiatrist approve this.
One other thing keeping me a little hopeful at this time is the support of my new care coordinator. To have someone who actually listens, validates you, and does what they say is so helpful (and rare in mental health services). Am I getting the help I need? No but I am being given the truth which I appreciate over false hopes and lies. I am being heard.
Also received a response to my official complaint and the CMHT (and people involved) accepted that I was neglected. They apologised and took accountability of their actions which I appreciate. Of course it doesn’t take away the harm they caused. Maybe it’s not much but it’s all I have to hang on to at the moment. On the other hand the complaints team themselves haven’t responded along with continuing to ignore my emails. Unacceptable behaviour from a team meant to ‘investigate’ complaints.
Waiting and more waiting is all I can do. Honestly my patience is running low, I feel cynical about what the future holds. Not only concerning my own health and personal circumstances but the problems of the world. Global warming, poverty, wars, genocide, the ‘isms’ and ‘phobias’ (racism, ableism, islamophobia, transphobia, etc.). There’s so much negativity and injustice, I don’t want to be part of such a world. If I could press a button to exit the world I’d press it right away.
A few days ago I was resting in bed and I started writing a suicide note. To whom I don’t know yet there was so much I wanted to write. I’ve mentioned this on a previous post but I deeply believe that whenever that ‘day’ comes it will be suicide that takes my life. A thought came to my mind recently about how there is so much I wish I could say and express to the people in my life, people I have loved. So I decided to do it except in my own little way — here, on this blog.
I am going to create ‘A Letter Series‘ in which I will write to various people in my life. To express their impact on my life (positively and negatively), to say things I’d otherwise be too scared to. I want to express my real thoughts and what I really feel in my heart. In a way it’s a sort of advance goodbye, what I would want these people to remember when I’m no longer here. Whilst I won’t be including names if the person who it’s intended for happens to read it they may recognise themselves through my words. I hope so.