A Letter Series: 1/ πŸ“

Dear Friend

I wish we talked more often. I really like you because you’re a wonderful person. You are kind, respectful, non-judgmental and these are qualities I want to see in the people I want in my life. Yet it feels like somewhere in our friendship something isn’t quite right. At least not anymore. Maybe this is me overthinking making an issue bigger than it really is but it definitely feels like the dynamics have changed recently. We are not like before.

We have known each other for about 8 years now though only a year of that we actually physically saw each other. The year we met. I will always be so grateful to have met you then because as I once said β€” you helped me in a way I didn’t even know I needed. Without your friendship and kindness I would not have been able to achieve what I did at the time. You were there for me when I had no (in real life) friends. When our physical friendship came to end I struggled. Our friendship was helping me to avoid becoming consumed by the sadness of a recent loss but I only realised this once you were gone too.

A thought I’ve been having is: was that the “closest” we have ever been? We have kept in touch over the years and our friendship continued. In fact last year we even talked over the phone which as stressful as it was (due to the circumstances) it was so good to hear your voice again after so many years. Once again you stepped up for me at a time where no other (in real life) friends did. That was one of the most difficult times of my life and you helped me get through it. I don’t think there is anything I could do to make up for that. In one of my most fragile moments you listened without judgment and that will always stay with me.

So how did we come to this distance that I now so strongly feel?

Of course this could be my overthinking but it’s hurting and I don’t know how to fix it. I knew my coming out as trans would shift the picture of our friendship except not in the way it actually changed. You were respectful and accepting I am so appreciative of that please don’t take this the wrong way. However something is different, something broke? Our conversations are not the same, as it was we never talked much but now it’s almost non-existent. What happened?

Life is hard for most people right now I understand and please call me out if my expectations are too high but I don’t want to be the person reaching out all the time. Friendship like all relationships should not be one-way. I’ve opened the majority of conversations if not all between us this year and most of them last year. Just sometimes it would be nice to see someone else contacting me first. We sort of talked about this and you told me you see friendship in a different way, remembering us in your prayers even if you don’t message. Bringing up this topic again doesn’t seem beneficial.

The problem seems to be our friendships means different things to us. I don’t know if that can be changed, moreover it shouldn’t be because that’s who we are. From what I know most people have other people in real life, they have family or at least one friend/neighbour/colleague to talk to, I know you do. All I need to do is send you a message just once and my phone will place you in my frequently contacted lists because my reality is I have no one (not including online friends). Is it too much to want (in real life) friends who could sometimes check in on me, message me first?

Friendship for me needs to be active. We need to communicate and it can’t be me doing that work all the time. I am sorry if this makes me too much for you. I love you and care about you. I want to be your friend but my brain tells me we aren’t compatible. You and I are different in a way that is somewhat conflicting.

Having ‘friends’ who don’t feel like friends is painful. Yes maybe being mentally ill is contributing to that suffering but it hurts all the same. I don’t understand implicit gestures, I struggle to make meaning of what isn’t directly expressed, being friends the way we are is beyond the understanding of my chaotic brain. Perhaps it’s better for both of us to drop this friendship. The lack of communication is emotionally distressing. It’s also unfair on you when I sometimes snap then leaving you hurt too.

I love you and care about you. Can our friendship be saved or is this the end?

I wish we talked more often.

Sahil ⚑

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